My Dating Adventures

For those of you who are married, involved in a relationship, or somehow have reached that elusive point that I want to reach where you have no use for relationships, then you might not find the humor in my ranting. For those of you like me, who continue to make your way through countless online personal sites, barhopping adventures, and endless meetings with friends who want to set you up, then this one is for you....

I am back online as of late, reading and NOT responding to the many emails that have piled up in my inbox from Yahoo personals, Match.com, etc. I don't really know why I decided to try the world of online dating again, given that the last relationship I was involved in entailed meeting Karate Man on an online site then allowing him to talk me into this tumultuous ride of sex, lies, and bullshit. You would have thought I would have learned my lesson by now. But, I haven't. I think the sole motivating factor is that I am genuinely intrigued by the colorful personalities I meet online. Interesting experiences, funny stories, entertaining evenings spent meeting a complete stranger over a beer......what can be better than that? I have thought some about these numerous guys I have dared to meet in public and decided to recount some of the more memorable experiences. Let's define memorable. 1) I obviously don't mean meeting Mr. Right as I managed to somehow get out of most 2nd dates with these gentlemen. 2) I have a very perverse sense of humor and so what I might find memorable might make most of you want to cringe. 3) I can honestly say I have never been on a BAD date. They have been horrific, scary, laughable, etc.....but definitely memorable and never just down-right BAD. So, here it goes (in no particular order):

1. Mr. Plastic Surgeon - We met at Frankie's (a sports bar on McKinney). We had a drink. The conversation started out pleasant, but then somehow the medical profession was mentioned. He then told me that the state/federal governments should not subsidize women's medical school education. Apparently, all we do is get married, have babies, then drop out of the medical field entirely. I had to remind him that his practice performed about 90% boob jobs. Now what on earth is he doing with this noble profession that he studied to benefit mankind? His response.....beautifying North Dallas!

2. Mr. Passionate Kiss - This is a recent guy. We had dinner, a few drinks, a few laughs. Somehow, after a vodka or two, I asked him the question that any guy that goes out with me for any length of time is going to be asked, "Do you have any homosexual tendencies?" His response was that he had once kissed a guy and that it was the most passionate kiss he had ever had. Two words for him: DEAL KILLER.

3. Mr. Kelsey Grammer/Peter Frampton - I once chatted with this guy that described himself as a cross between Kelsey Grammer and Peter Frampton, specifically Peter on the Frampton Comes Alive album (an album I happen to own). Hummm.....now what might that cross look like? I was intrigued as I couldn't quite visualize that in my mind. We met and let's just say I barely got past the salt on my margarita! He looked as he had described - blondish, wavy, split-end type hair with a rather flat face. Unfortunately, the gold chain and the sports coat didn't quite do it for me either.

4. Mr. Vice-President - In my naiveity a few years back, I held the dilusion that the title of Vice President of a company meant something. I had met this guy that was a VP at a bank. He talked about his high-ranking position and little naive me thought he was just a few people right under the coveted President position. Little did I know that EVERYONE in a bank is a VP of something and that is the corporate way to increase productivity. He confessed when he told me that he couldn't actually show me his corner office as he only had a small cubicle!

5. Mr. Crazy - This is a title that could describe many of the men I meet, but Mr. Crazy truly encompasses the true spirit of the word. You see, he was on anti-depressants when we met. I thought this was proabbly a "red flag" in a relationship, but then decided that the majority of people I treat medically are on them. So, what the hell, right? Well, let's just say he had some sexual problems with them. The next thing I know, I don't hear from him in over a week. I go by his house to drop off a few belongings he left and he comes to the door, unshaven, looking dazed and confused. He confesses that he stopped his medication and that he typically becomes a hermit when he does. Scary!

6. Mr. Ex-Football Player - He told me he was "big boned", and ex-UT football player, very muscular, nice body. How delicious! We meet at Avanti on McKinney and sure enough he is BIG alright! He's about 350+ lbs of pure fat. Yeah, he might have been a football player, but images of someone like Refrigerator Perry come to my head. As if that wasn't bad enough, he spent the entire dinner rimming his wine glass with his index finger while licking his lips. Even the thought of this now, about 4 years later, is repulsive!

7. Mr I-45 - My mother worries about me travelling on the road alone. Well, she worries with good reason. I was driving back from Houston to Dallas and this car would not leave my side. A wide-open interstate and he travels right next to me! I call Roger Hayes and ask him to do a license plate search on the guy. He gives me the 411 on the dude after doing a search on publicdata.com - his name, his address, etc. Then, I realize that he is flirting with me, some perverse car hooking up or something. He then writes his cell phone number down in large letters and holds it up to the window. Against my better judgement, I *67 and call it. He freaks out when I tell him his name, address, etc, but then the conversation turns humorous. Moral of story: don't f*%@ with Dr. Trouble while in the car!

8. Mr. Scotch - I decided to venture out to Abacus, a trendy Dallas restaurant that opened a few years back. I had Vanity Fair in hand and was determined to enjoy a delectable dinner at the bar all by my lonely self. Of course, I didn't stay alone for long. He wanted to buy me a drink, but then decided I should drink scotch instead of Grey Goose. I informed him I hated scotch, and most importantly, hated single malt scotches. He told me that I had obviously not had good scotch. He proceeded to buy me 50 yr old McCallen scotch which I practically choked on. I did get dinner compliments of this fool. One word for him: SUCKER! Update: I saw his obitituary in the paper a few years later and it brought a tear to my eye.

9. Mr. Liver Disease - I was killing time on Quest personals, an absolutely horrible phone chat service. What struck me about this particular ad was that this guy advertised that he was a physician. My curiosity was sparked. He told me he was in town for the annual AASLD conference (liver disease conference). We connected live and I shocked the hell out of him when I actually new what the conference was and could name most of the speakers. Here he was trying to get lucky on the phone personals and he meets Dr. Trouble. It turns out he is rather accomplished in his field and is a BIG name. We have actually stayed good friends to this day and continue to laugh about the meeting!

10. Mr. Attorney - I seemed to attract lawyers in medical school. This one was a real character. After a wonderful dinner at Terelli's, we were leaving Lower Greenville. A car in front of us was trying to make a left on to a very busy Greenville Ave. and Mr. Attorney decided to honk the horn. Not once, not twice, but multiple times. I told him that there was a cop right next to us and that he did in fact have a few drinks that night. What does he do next.....honks the horn again and again and again. Mr. Policeman walks over, knocks on the window, and starts questioning Mr. Attorney. Luckily, he let us go but Mr. Attorney feels the need to run every red light on the way home. I couldn't escape that crazy man fast enough!