Crime Scenes and Such

It was just a usual Friday night for me. Robin was out of town. Ms. Fabulous was working late and thus didn't feel like a "wild" night. And, Schnookie (see The Usual Suspects) wanted to go out to eat. So, we decided to try the new Grimaldi's pizza, the famous Brooklyn pizza chain that recently opened in the West Village. After a very large and quite yummy meal (I do recommend this place for casual dining in Uptown), we decided to meet up with some friends at a local bar. Here is a pic of us enjoying our pizza:

Little did I know that a few cocktails later, my night would get VERY interesting. After being dropped off at my car, I headed home and was promptly asleep within the next 10 minutes. About 2:30am, the phone rang and it was Schnookie calling me in a panic. Here is what happened. My friend, let's call him "Charlie", was too inebriated to drive home. So, he decided to crash on Schnookie's sofa. As they waited for the elevator in the lobby of Schnookie's apartment (the name of which will remain anonymous), Charlie passed out and took a light fixture down with him. Schnookie, in a panic, dragged Charlie into the elevator and up to his floor. When Charlie would not awaken, Schnookie attempted to drag him down the hallway, only to get about 10 ft before he tired. There they sat in the hallway, Charlie completely passed out. Schnookie tried numerous ways to awaken Charlie, slapping his face, the "sternal rub", etc but Charlie was out cold. Then, the scary part.....according to Schnookie, Charlie stopped breathing. Schnookie, trained in advanced life support, gave him a few breaths and his breathing resumed. This is when I get my middle of the night call.

As I listened to the events half asleep, I think of the only wise thing to do in this situation...call 911. However, Schnookie was panicking and needed help. Apparently Charlie was breathing at this point, but was still out cold. Finally, after receiving a picture on my cell phone of the situation, I decided to help Schnookie out. My thoughts were, "Do you want me to come over there and help you drag his ass to your apartment?"

Indeed, that is what I did. After putting my sweatsuit hood over my head to hide my face for the security cameras, I rode the elevator up to the 4th floor. There, in the hallway, were Schnookie and Charlie, the latter in a totally flaccid state. All Schnookie could keep saying was, "This is a crime scene and my fingerprints are all over it!" My response, "Shut the hell up so the neighbors don't hear!" Schnookie grabbed his arms and I grabbed his legs and the two of us dragged Charlie about 100 ft. down the hallway. (Note to self: carrying bodies in the movies seems easy but I can attest it is not!). Whene we got him to the apartment, we noticed blood on the white carpet. Flipping Charlie over revealed "carpet burn" all over his back. Oops! But, he was snoring heavily and looked comfortable so we rolled out a large towel on the floor and let him sleep it off.

Now, it was time to inspect the damage. How much blood did he loose and what was the status of the hallway? And, how do we get the blood stains off the carpet in the apartment? Schnookie, still in a tizzy, got his carpet cleaner and was off to work on the apartment carpet. Then he tells me, "There is a pool of blood in the elevator". Having just come off the elevator, I didn't recall seeing that but Schnookie was convinced. Since it would be highly suspicious for a resident returning to their apartment that night to see a pool of blood in the elevator, I decided that should be priority #1. Off to the elevator we went with towel and cleaner in hand. Luckily, the elevators were fine. But, we did notice "spotting" all the way down the hallway. Thank goodness for the powerful carpet cleaner as we were able to remove most of the spots, though never mind the line leading from the elevator to the apartment door where someone/something had been clearly dragged! I did have to keep reminding Schnookie to keep quiet, as he repeatedly said the term "crime scene" over and over in the hallway. I felt like Victor the cleaner in the movie Point of No Return when he went to dispose of the body.

After all was said and done, I returned to my condo and my peaceful slumber. Charlie did ok, but noted he was a little sore the next morning. Apparently he looked in the mirror and asked, "What the hell happened to my back?". Schnookie had to fib a little and say he took a bad fall at the elevator (leaving out the dragging 100ft part!). The night ended up ok, but I did come to one realization....I am way too old for crap like that!