Le Divorce

I have probably told this story at least a 100 times and it gets funnier each and every time. Sometimes I have to remind myself that it is MY LIFE and that I should probably be shedding a tear, but those fleeting thoughts are quickly replaced by laughter and most of all relief that the drama is over! Most people are amused by the story because a) they don't typically know anyone in their life that really could be on an episode of Jerry Springer or the subject of a bad Lifetime movie (that's what Ms. Kung-Fu calls it) or both and b) they can't believe this happened to the infamous Dr. Trouble. So, here is the abridged version of the downward spiral, complete with all the sordid little details everyone wants to know.

The trouble started at the beginning of the year when I discovered Karate Man was "talking" to another woman. Upon catching him, he quickly turned all apologetic and then did his best to try to show his commitment to the relationship. The culmination was a vacation to Paris (only the most romantic city in the world) planned on a whim which was meant to be the start of our new journey together. But a funny thing happened on the way to the forum.....Actually, make that a funny thing happened on the eve of the Paris trip. I was making my way back from my weekly massage appointment when, as I was trying to dial Karate Man's number, I dropped my cell phone in the cup of water I was given at the spa. Little did I know that this would be the unraveling of Karate Man (all I could think about at the time was that my cell phone was only a few months old and now was broken.....dammit!).

The Paris trip was almost without incident. Actually, it probably would have been without incident had I not popped off time and time again with my typical witty one-liners that I am known for (both Ms. Kung-Fu and Albster are well aware of these!). The subject this time - Karate Man's cruelty, infidelity, etc.

When we returned from Paris, things were going well. Little messages on my pager, text messages on my phone.....the man wouldn't leave me alone. But this is where the cell phone incident plays a crucial role. Because some higher power was obviously looking over yours truly, we had to BOTH get new cell phones as we changed from AT&T to Cingular when I replaced my broken phone. I thought nothing of that at the time until my brilliance again emerged and I realized this meant a NEW online account for our new phones. Actually, I wasn't even trying to bust him; I had set out to buy a ringer tone for me to use when Karate Man called. But, logging on to the account allowed me to see firsthand all the mysterious phone calls that were made from his number.

Hummmm, one looked suprisingly familiar. A couple others were at rather odd times.....2:00AM on nights when I am at the hospital. And it wasn't just one strange number, it was multiple. Gosh, who on earth could he be calling??? Well, I did what every good scientist does when they pose an earth-shattering question......I investigated!

I called the number I recognized and of course is was the woman he had been "talking" to earlier (let's call her Girlfriend #2). Let me preface this by saying that now, I think she is adorable. Beautiful, witty, and quite the socializer - we soon became friends. But when I called her, the relationship was nothing of the sort. She had been informed about the Paris trip, a trip that apparently we had planned months ago and that Karate Man was forced to go on against his will. It was, according to him, the "worst trip of his life". I gladly countered those accusations by forwarding her the numerous pics we had of us kissing at Moulin Rouge and at the Eiffel Tower. I did not think I was getting the point across though.

So, I called the second number and met another fabulous woman (let's call her Girlfriend #3). She indeed informed me that she too was dating Karate Man. She also knew about the Paris trip, which was a business trip. I then proceeded to conference call Girlfriend #2 and Girlfiend #3 together so that we could all discuss our relationships with Karate Man. Oh my goodness, the lies were beyond imagination. I informed both of them that there was indeed a 3rd number and possibly a 4th; neither of them claimed these other numbers. I then informed them that I was about to begin the process of ridding him from my house. Girlfriend #2 thought this would be the perfect place to confront him and to help me pack his belongings. She brought over a bottle of champagne and the two of us stabbed him time and time again with insult after insult. All he could do was grin and bear it. We tried to contact the other mysterious number (let's call her Girlfriend #4) but she did not answer. Girlfriend #2 was able to get a hold of her later that evening and filled her in on the details. She said that they had just started dating and that it wasn't too serious. Little did we know that she would re-emerge.

Now, as if all of this isn't enough content for a Jerry Springer episode, the best hasn't even happened! You see, by this point, Karate Man was on his hands and knees to get me back. EVERY single day I got a card from him as well as flowers, messages, pages, etc. I started dating again and met a few wonderful guys. Of course, the failed relationship with Karate Man was constantly on my mind so Ms. Kung Fu invited me to Houston for a weekend getaway at a spa. The only rule of the weekend was that I could not call Karate Man. I think the goal was achieved, because when I returned I had a much clearer outlook on things and was determined to start the process of distancing myself from him.

The VERY next day, I get a mysterious page on my pager. It is from Girlfriend #4 saying she never wanted to hear from Karate Man again. Apparently, during the time of separation, when Karate Man was trying to repair his life and mend our relationship, he had become more serious with Girlfriend #4 (despite the warnings Girlfriend #2 had issued) and they had traveled to Japan together and were planning upcoming trips to New Zealand (in two days) and Hawaii (in two weeks). She had found my pager number on his phone and was irate, calling me to tell me their relationship was over. This event was the last straw for me. I confronted Karate Man and he had absolutely nothing to say. Nothing at all. He couldn't even look at me that night. I guess when the truth eventually comes out, one is left in shock.

The rest is history. Apparently, despite finding out that Karate Man was cheating on her, Girlfriend #4 went ahead with the New Zealand trip and even married him there. That's right - they got married 2 days after this drama unfolded! Karate Man had convinced her that he had found God, had started attending church again, and had parted with his cheating ways. This massive life transformation had taken place in the span of 2 days (my goodness, he should write a self-help book with that speed of transformation!).

Out of all the drama, one positive thing did emerge. I met an unbelievably cool person. She is the ex-wife of Karate Man and we had despised each other for several years, mainly because of what Karate Man had told each of us about the other. Instead of the evil, deceptive, manipulative witch she had been portrayed as, I found her to be an intelligent, genuine, and beautiful lady. Truly the epitome of the definition of super-mom! We decided to have a little reunion - a way of celebrating our time with Karate Man and even more, celebrating our time without him! We met another one of his many girlfriends at Blue Mesa and compared all of the lies we had lived. It turns out, we are all fabulous. The one characteristic we all have in common is that we are far too good for him. He needed strong women in his life, and in the end, was burned by their strength. We called the 3 of us "Karate Man's Babes" and partied the night away.

I haven't had any contact with Karate Man since that night his secrets were revealed. Nor do I want to. I don't hate him - hate is an emotion I don't possess. If anything, I feel sorry for him. There is a magnet that I bought for him a year or so back which I posted on our refrigerator. It was the old Shakespearean quote, "To thine own self be true." Karate Man's lies had been his downfall in life. We had discussed that quote endlessly, and even though I thought he was finally grasping it's meaning, Le Divorce happened. All I can hope is that someday he is true to himself and true to those around him. As for me, I am waiting for the phone call from the producers of the Jerry Springer show!